Me vs Me

Going back to work has been very interesting for me. Granted, I've only been back for three half-days, so maybe it's a bit premature for me to be ruminating about it. But I'm gonna ruminate anyway.

The "Me" I used to know was quite well-defined. I behaved, listened to my parents, went to the right schools, got the right jobs. For the past decade, I've been living the life of a supposedly well-adjusted, upwardly-mobile, independent, self-reliant, and somewhat balanced and successful woman. I managed to build a fulfilling career while still finding a great guy to marry and with whom to settle down. I had the job, husband, dog, house, friends...all I needed to make it complete was a baby.

Now I have a baby, and I still have all of those other things. But they don't fit together quite as easily as I thought they might. I knew that my life would be different once Z was born, but I wasn't prepared for how dramatically my perspective (and my priorities) would change. At first it was really hard, because I was holding so tightly to that old Me. But once I relaxed and settled into the new Me, I found that I'm pretty happy with it.

So now I'm back at work, and I'm struggling between the old and new Me again. At one level, it's really strange how quickly I can fall back into my old role. But then I'm constantly pulled back into the awareness that I'm not that person anymore. All of a sudden, the urgency and energy of work doesn't feel that real to me anymore. What is real is loving, protecting, and raising my child.

As a woman who at one time could barely see herself having children, I'm now finding it hard to think that there is anything as important as being a mom. But I can also feel the pull of the old Me, the Me who facilitates meetings, presents to execs, challenges consultants. Right now, the old Me is just a wisp of a shadow, lurking around in the background. And I wonder if the shadow will grow or wane as time goes on.

It will be interesting to see how this all turns out.