Crying over spilled milk

I just threw out 52 bags of frozen breastmilk because it went bad in the freezer. That's 260 ounces = 16 cups = 4 quarts = 1 GALLON of milk. That represents approximately 18 hours of pumping. 18 hours of time spent so that I would have a good stash for Zachary. Down the drain. Literally.

Now I'm working with the Dude to figure out the best way to nourish my little guy since the frozen milk I'd counted on is gone. I got my trusty Pump-In-Style out, but it appears that my magical milk-making power has disappeared. I just want to cry.

The end of an era

Warning: This post is all about breastfeeding. If reading about breastfeeding makes you uncomfortable, well, don't read this. And if you got to this page because you Googled "breast", you need to get out more.

It seems that I am no longer a nursing mother. Which I suppose means that I'm not allowed to eat pints of ice cream for dinner anymore. Or rather, I'm allowed to...but not without weighty consequences.

I've been slowly cutting back on nursing, following Zachary's cues as he's become less interested. We were down to 3-4 times a day when both Zachary and I got sick. He caught a cold (which made nursing difficult for him because he couldn't breathe through his nose) and I got mastitis (which made life difficult for me because OUCH! It hurts! And I have a fever! And I'm sore all over! And I feel like crap!).

Since this is my 10th case of mastitis, my doctor wanted me to come in so she could give me a trophy for breaking the office record for mastitis masochism (apparently, no one else is crazy enough to continue BFing after getting more than one or two cases of mastitis). Either that, or she wanted to see if it's possible that I really have mastitis again. Turns out that yes, I do, and my doc said that I probably got this particular case due to the weaning. Although Zachary and I were on the same page with the whole thing, my body hadn't gotten the memo. My doc prescribed me some meds and warned me that I would probably get at least one more case as we wean completely. Oh good, something to look forward to!

Newly armed with my meds, I continued to try to nurse Zachary. He, however, wanted nothing to do with it. His way of letting me know was very clear and succinct: he bit me. Not a "I'll nurse for a little while and then experiment with my teeth" thing...he was very deliberate. "Boob? Bite!" I've continued to try nursing him at our normal times (4x/day) for four days, and each time he takes a look and then takes a bite. So I think this is the end.

I've been worried about how I would wean him. I didn't want to withhold nursing from him when he wanted it. I wasn't sure how we would manage the mornings without bringing him into bed to nurse while stealing a few more minutes of sleep. I didn't know if it would be hard to put him to sleep without our nightly bath-boob-book-bed routine.

This way, it's much easier. He decided on his own that he's done, so we don't have to soothe him or try to come up with a replacement. He's happy as can be, and I'm dealing with the engorgement and associated potential for clogged ducts and mastitis while I'm already on meds for my existing case of mastitis. I was planning to wean him at around 12 months anyway, and I have enough frozen milk to keep him supplied at least that long. It really couldn't be a better situation.

Even so, this is a strange time for me. Zachary and I had a really hard time getting started with BFing, but we stuck it out and were able to make it over the hurdles. I went through times when I felt resentful of having to nurse him so frequently, of not having the freedom to leave him for more than an hour at a time, of not feeling like my body belonged to me anymore. I couldn't eat dairy for months because he was sensitive to it, and I still haven't touched peanut butter since he had a mild reaction. And of course, I've had 10 cases of mastitis.

But overall, I've enjoyed this special time with him so much. I'm in awe of the fact that this body of mine has nurtured him so well. I cherish the intimacy that we've shared 4-12 times per day every day for almost 11 months. I'm honored that he found such comfort in nursing, that it was a sure-fire way to calm him down when he was upset. And I smile when I think about his desperate attempts to latch on to any part of me (including my nose, my chin, my stomach, my elbow...).

I will miss this.

Another demographic division

Now that Zachary is over 10 months old and eating more solid foods per day than I do, I know that our nursing relationship will end soon. Even though we had a difficult start and I went through stages of feeling overwhelmed or trapped or resentful when he was nursing every hour (not to mention the 9 episodes of full-blown antibiotic-requiring mastitis and countless clogged ducts), I'm sad to know that soon I won't be nursing him anymore.

Because I don't know too many mothers who continue to EBF (exclusively breastfeed) up to or beyond 6 months, I was curious about what the national trends are. I looked at the Healthy People 2010 goals and the CDC's Breastfeeding Report Card (based on national data from 2005). The national objective is to increase the number of mothers and the length of time they BF. The targets for 2010 are as follows: 75% in early postpartum, 50% at 6 months and 25% at 12 months. In 2005, we'd already reached 74.2% in early postpartum, 43.1% at 6 months, and 21.4% at 12 months. It seems that, as a country, we are right on track to meet the goals! But there's a fair amount of discrepancy between the states (over 90% of mothers in Washington BF at least a little while, whereas less than 50% of mothers in Louisiana do).

Looking at the data, the states who already meet the national goals are Alaska, California, Idaho, Oregon, Utah, Vermont, and Washington. Way to go westerners! And Vermont. I've always liked Vermont. And I guess that explains why BFing is so accepted (and often pushed) around here -- we are in the midst of the "lactation belt" of the United States!

I wonder how long it will be before politicians start pandering to us, promising free Hooter Hiders for votes. I already have my Hooter Hider, but I'll take some Baby Legs if you're offering.

I'd need more cabinets

As you know, since Zachary's been eating solids I've been making his food. I started out with just purees, but now I'm adding some chunkier foods as he's getting better at chewing/gumming. In addition to the smooth purees, he's eating brown rice, barley, oatmeal and lentils quite well. He's not so great at finger foods yet (the transition from fingers to mouth is a bit inconsistent), but he's managed stewed blueberries, "oh" cereal, bits of tofu and some cantaloupe.

Anyway, when I make his food, I make a big batch and freeze it in ice cube trays. Then I transfer the cubes to plastic containers and mix and match cubes for each meal. I mix some of them together (sweet potato, chicken and barley) and serve others on their own (peas, peaches, zucchini). I also defrost fruit cubes and add them to his oatmeal.

This system works really well when we're at home. The problem comes when we travel, because the frozen cubes don't travel well. Not only are they difficult to transport, but I need a microwave/stove/hot water to heat them for meals. Thus, I use store-bought baby food for traveling.

I just got enough jars of baby food for the first three days of our upcoming trip to Texas. That's 18 jars, since he eats 5-6oz of food at a time (one 4oz jar + one 2.5oz jar per meal). 18 little glass jars! 18 glass jars we have to pack in our luggage, six of which need to be in our carry-on bag so we can feed him en route. I felt silly and a bit wasteful buying so many individual jars at the store. I can't imagine doing this for all of his meals, every day. Where would I put all of those little jars? And who would help me carry them home from the store?

Here are a couple baby food pictures. The first shows my freezer, with about 20 days worth of frozen food cubes (plus about the same in frozen milk, just in case we need it). The second shows my pile of 3 days worth of baby food jars.

I'm still a PMP

I thought that I left my project management tasks behind when I quit my job, but apparently I haven't. With a little guy who fits 3 naps (which he will only take in a crib), 3 solid meals, 5 nursings and a bath into a 12 hour day, it can be tough to do anything else. Normally this isn't too much of an issue, other than the fact that I can't do anything during the day unless I can squeeze it into the 45 minute slot I have between lunch and nap #3. But we are now in the season of weddings. A wedding that takes place locally isn't too difficult, but a wedding in Texas, in which I am a bridesmaid, is a bit more challenging.

To give you an idea of what we will be juggling this weekend, here is a snapshot of our schedule the day of the wedding. I didn't make the schedule with the intention of sticking to it (after all, a baby will do what a baby will do), but rather to make sure that it's even logistically possible to get in everything we need to do. And it is. Barely.

There are three columns in addition to the time column. The column labeled "Wedding" shows the wedding events that I need to attend. "Zachary" shows his normal schedule at home. "Combined" shows my attempt to mesh the other two columns. It will be tight, Chris will be doing a lot of driving around, and Zachary will miss a nap and go to bed late (which could be VERY trying for anyone within earshot of him), but hopefully it will work out reasonably well.

We have four more weddings after this one, and we're still trying to figure out those logistics...


Legend: yellow = wedding activity; green = driving; peach = sleep; blue = eat

Flattery will get you everywhere

As I was taking a walk with Zachary and Cowboy this morning, an older lady commented on our little group. She said, "What a lovely family. It makes me happy to see a young woman these days who's chosen to stay home to raise her child." I thanked her and couldn't wipe the grin off my face as I walked home. She thinks I'm young!

Sizing me up

Another little quirk of being a nursing mom: I can't fit into my bikini top until after I nurse Z. And then I have ~3 hours before I need another size adjustment.

And Chris wonders why I've refused to buy any new clothes since I was pregnant. Your guess is as good as mine as to what shape and size I'll be once everything settles down! And I do mean down.

People have asked me how long it took to lose the pregnancy weight. To be honest, I didn't really notice because I wasn't paying as much attention to my weight as I was to my shape. I hit my pre-pregnancy weight awhile ago, but I'm not back to my pre-pregnancy shape by any means (and I'm not talking about being "in shape"; I'm talking about my actual volumetric shape). I weigh the same as I did before, but somehow I take up more room...

My horoscope

From Astrology.com:

"Today marks the beginning of a very relaxed and carefree time in your life! Projects have been completed, tasks have been finished and goals have been attained. Now you should just kick back and schedule some time off! Explore a new hobby, or pick up a juicy book you've wanted to crack open. Your brain is open to new ideas and new ways of doing things, so fill it up! Step out of your comfort zone -- it will feel a bit scary, but only in the most exciting way."

At first I thought this was spot-on, but then I picked up on key words like "relaxed", "carefree", "kick back" and "time off". My time off used to be when I was at work, where I had the freedom to do things like make a latte or go to the restroom or even -- gasp! -- run out for a quick bite to eat without having to worry about naps, feedings, or packing up a baby plus the 90 lbs of gear he requires.

Regardless, the general gist of this horoscope is right. Today marks the start of my new life! And to celebrate, I'm sitting here in my bathrobe eating a cupcake while Zachary naps...

...but now I have to hop in the shower, because I have a meeting in an hour. I'm as bad at retiring as my dad is.

Today is the first day of my new life!

Or is the the last day of my old life? I don't think either is accurate, because my "old" life ended back when I found out that I was pregnant and my "new" life is still being defined. And trust me, I'm as surprised as anyone to find out how things are turning out!

In honor of my last day of work, of course I had to push things to the limit and stay up most of the night to get things wrapped up. I never had a chance to go into the office to pack up my desk because of Zachary (it's amazing how hard it is to get anything done when you have a baby who 1. has a meltdown if he doesn't get his naps; 2. refuses to nap anywhere but in his crib; 3. eats solid meals twice a day, which must be timed in order to not interfere with nursing; and 4. is no longer content to hang out by himself). So last night, I went into the office in the middle of the night to make my last free latte and pack up my desk. I made it home at 2:30 AM, giving me just enough time to change, crawl into bed, and barely fall asleep before getting up at 3:15 AM to nurse Zachary.

So I've packed up my desk, cleared off my laptop, and moved all of my work clothes to the back of the closet. Now what? Now that I'm an official SAHM, am I going to turn into Polly Homemaker, like the picture above? I seriously doubt it. Even though I have (somewhat uncharacteristically) decided to step off the career track for a while in order to focus on being a mom, I am still the same person. I may not be tracking projects or implementing systems, but I'm probably going to find some reason to put together a few spreadsheets or do a bit of coding. Because, contrary to what a sane person may think, that is fun for me.

I've been thinking about the various nicknames that I've received at work over the years. Never have I been dubbed "Mom" or "Mother Hen" or "Den Mother" or anything nurturing and maternal like that*. No, I'm "Matrix Queen", "Super Devil's Advocate", "Rock of Skepticism", "Gattaca", and "Pays Very Close Attention to Detail (aka Anal Retentive)", to name a few. And I have to admit, one of the best compliments I've received from a superior was, "B*tch suits you -- you should do it more often."

So no, as much as I adore my baby and love being a mom, I don't think I have it in me to become June Cleaver. My version of SAHM is going to be much closer to the following image, courtesy of my neighborhood mommy networking group. Instead of "Hi Honey", I tend more towards "Hiiii-YA!"

*Actually, I do have one nickname that could be construed as being nurturing: "Coach". But it wasn't given to me in the context of anything remotely maternal.

This post is brought to you by Chris

I used to joke about wanting to find a job where I would get paid to do the things I like to do: write my blogs, take pictures, go on hikes, read everything from classics to trashy gossip, make photo books, play with Zachary, bother Cowboy, eat noodles, etc. I would enjoy myself, and my happiness would bring a bit more cheer to the world in general. I mean, who can deny that we need more cheer in this world?

Although I haven't found a job like that, I've realized that I've got a close approximation: a sponsor*. My new SAH life is being sponsored by Chris. What a guy! I wonder if I'll have to start wearing his name on my clothing, the way Tiger Woods wears Nike.

*I bet some of you thought I was going to say "sugar daddy". If I had a sugar daddy, I would be directing my nanny to load my Bugaboo into the back of my Lexus RX as I head to the spa for my weekly facial and massage while said nanny takes Zachary for a walk. Instead, I am lugging Zachary in his car seat out to my VW so that I can run to Safeway to pick up some groceries for my WmD alter ego. And I'm happy as a clam.

SAHM I am

I've recently made a big decision. After 7 years of college and grad school, followed by 11 years of full-time professional work, I've decided to quit my job in order to stay home and raise Zachary for a while. It's been a really tough decision, because I've always been very career-focused and driven to achieve professional success. The thought that I'd leave it all to raise my child was laughable to me a few years ago, but things changed once I had Zachary. My focus sharpened, my priorities shifted, and my perspective changed.

The perspective is the thing that has been most interesting to me, because my perspective on things has gotten both narrower and wider. No longer do I think in terms of next month's deadline or next year's project roll-out. I think about this afternoon's nap and tomorrow's new solid food introduction. At the same time, I think about how the two years it takes to deploy one enterprise-wide project is the same two years that it will take for my son to grow from a helpless newborn to a walking, talking toddler.

Looking at things that way makes me realize that taking a few years off now is only a drop in the bucket professionally, but it's a huge investment in my baby's (and my) life. In a few years (or a few months -- who knows how things will go) I can always go back to work. But I can't look back five years from now and say, "Oh, I think I'd rather be home with Zachary to watch and help him grow." And I have serious doubts that I would feel as fulfilled by systems and processes I deploy as I will by the things I'll learn from and teach to my son as he discovers his world.

So, starting on June 21st (the first day of summer, the first day of this next phase of life), I will officially be a SAHM: stay-at-home-mom. I have a lot of thoughts about this as I'm working through things, and I'll probably be posting them here.

A wonderful part of this has been the amazing support I've gotten from my friends and family. To a person, each one has said, "Congratulations!" when I tell them. One in particular said something that I really appreciate: "Finally, you're going to put that MIT education to good use." Thanks, Mike. That's how I feel too.

Oh, by the way, I got a haircut. I always seem to do that when I'm about to embark on something new (as anyone who has witnessed me hacking off 12+ inches of hair after every graduation, break-up, or new job can attest to). At least I didn't get anything pierced this time.

I'm concerned

Maybe I'm just a paranoid mama, but I'm a little concerned about the changes we are about to make. Zachary starts daycare on Monday, and my stomach is twisted up into a huge knot. I know I'm going to cry again. And here I thought I was already over that "back to work" hurdle.

Me vs Me

Going back to work has been very interesting for me. Granted, I've only been back for three half-days, so maybe it's a bit premature for me to be ruminating about it. But I'm gonna ruminate anyway.

The "Me" I used to know was quite well-defined. I behaved, listened to my parents, went to the right schools, got the right jobs. For the past decade, I've been living the life of a supposedly well-adjusted, upwardly-mobile, independent, self-reliant, and somewhat balanced and successful woman. I managed to build a fulfilling career while still finding a great guy to marry and with whom to settle down. I had the job, husband, dog, house, friends...all I needed to make it complete was a baby.

Now I have a baby, and I still have all of those other things. But they don't fit together quite as easily as I thought they might. I knew that my life would be different once Z was born, but I wasn't prepared for how dramatically my perspective (and my priorities) would change. At first it was really hard, because I was holding so tightly to that old Me. But once I relaxed and settled into the new Me, I found that I'm pretty happy with it.

So now I'm back at work, and I'm struggling between the old and new Me again. At one level, it's really strange how quickly I can fall back into my old role. But then I'm constantly pulled back into the awareness that I'm not that person anymore. All of a sudden, the urgency and energy of work doesn't feel that real to me anymore. What is real is loving, protecting, and raising my child.

As a woman who at one time could barely see herself having children, I'm now finding it hard to think that there is anything as important as being a mom. But I can also feel the pull of the old Me, the Me who facilitates meetings, presents to execs, challenges consultants. Right now, the old Me is just a wisp of a shadow, lurking around in the background. And I wonder if the shadow will grow or wane as time goes on.

It will be interesting to see how this all turns out.

Working mom

I am now officially a working mom. I survived my first day pretty well, I think. I only cried 4 times, and those were all before 10 AM. (I also cried twice this evening and once last night, but we won't talk about that.) I actually found that I was OK unless someone asked me if I was OK. I'd think, "Yeah" but I'd say, "Waaaaaa!"

I also found out today that we got a spot at the daycare at my work! This would have been AMAZING news four days ago, but today it's kind of bittersweet. Overall, it's the best thing for us because it will mean that Z will be downstairs and I can go visit/nurse/snuggle him whenever I want to. It also gives me a bit more flexibility with my schedule and it sets us up for if/when I go back to work full-time (yes, I cried that much today and I only worked a half day). But it's bittersweet because we love our nanny and we're really sorry to have to let her go. I will recommend her to anyone who is looking for a nanny, because she really is a gem.

Tonight was also the inaugural night of Wine, Dine & Opine (I just made up that name). Jen, Lara, Dawn, Margaret, Missy and I met at Cathy's to eat, drink and discuss immigration reform. We had a really enjoyable evening and I already feel smarter.

I'm having trouble writing tonight. I'm tired and a bit worn out from the stress of the last couple of weeks, so my writing is very fragmented. I can't think of a good closing sentence for this post, so this is going to have to do. Good night!

Who am I kidding?

So I thought that I was handling this whole "going back to work" thing pretty well. I wasn't feeling too anxious about it, but I think that's only because I was so stressed out about finding childcare and getting Z to take a bottle that I didn't have the time or energy to be anxious about anything else. Now that we found our super nanny and she was successful in giving Z a bottle, I have ALL THIS ROOM in my brain to freak out about going to work, leaving Zachary with someone else, maybe even missing a minute or two of his babyhood! I feel like I'm back on the roller coaster of emotions I was riding after Zachary was born (hello, baby blues!). I keep trying to tell myself to "just breathe", but then my mind jumps to "breathe like we do in yoga" and then to "I can't go to mom & baby yoga anymore because I'll be AT WORK!" and then I'm right back where I started. And all of this anxiety is simply over the idea of leaving my baby for a few hours a day...I haven't even begun to ponder the idea of having to be productive at work again.

The real world

The real world is creeping back in and I must say, I don't like it one bit.

My maternity leave is due to end next week. This is enough to give me a fair amount of stress (I don't get to spend all day with my baby? Someone else is going to be with him??). To add to it, the childcare that I was sort of counting on fell through yesterday. And Zachary is refusing to take a bottle. So now we have a baby without childcare who refuses to eat from a bottle, and I'm supposed to go back to work in a week. Hmph.

I can't help but think that all of these issues would cease to exist if I didn't go back to work.

Identity crisis

Last night, Meg asked me how it was to become a mom. A lot of friends have asked that, and I haven't been able to give a very good answer.

It wasn't that difficult for me to become a mom (emotionally...the whole pregnancy/labor/delivery thing is a different topic altogether!). Once Zachary was born, I felt an incredible rush of love and awe about this miracle that is my baby son. I will do anything to keep him safe and healthy, and even though he was the first newborn I've ever held, it felt natural and right. So becoming a mom was pretty easy.

Figuring out how to still be myself is the harder part. I'm still struggling with this. Before having Zachary, I had a very full and fulfilling life. I was a wife, daughter, friend, dog-lover, hiker, climber, skier, kayaker, cowgirl-wannabe, traveler, reader, knitter, website surfer, gossip junkie, business IT geek. I loved my family, my friends, my job, my life. Now, I am still all of those things...but how?

Being a mother to a newborn takes up all of my time and energy -- how in the world am I supposed to fit those other things back into my life? I know that I will not be able to completely go back to my prior lifestyle, but I also recognize that I can't give it all up either. That would be unhealthy for both me AND my family. I need to figure out how to fit "mother" into that list of things (of course, it would be at the front of the list) without wiping out the rest of the list entirely.

I am slowly figuring things out, and I know that it will get easier as time goes on and as Zachary grows up and becomes more independent. And while I am looking forward to finding the balance we need, I am also a little bit sad about how quickly he is growing and changing. Each day gets better though, so I can only imagine how much MORE magical it's going to be.

So Meg (and everyone else who's asked or wondered): For me, becoming "mom" was pretty easy. Figuring out how to still be "me" is a little more challenging. But I'll get there!