Me vs Me

Going back to work has been very interesting for me. Granted, I've only been back for three half-days, so maybe it's a bit premature for me to be ruminating about it. But I'm gonna ruminate anyway.

The "Me" I used to know was quite well-defined. I behaved, listened to my parents, went to the right schools, got the right jobs. For the past decade, I've been living the life of a supposedly well-adjusted, upwardly-mobile, independent, self-reliant, and somewhat balanced and successful woman. I managed to build a fulfilling career while still finding a great guy to marry and with whom to settle down. I had the job, husband, dog, house, friends...all I needed to make it complete was a baby.

Now I have a baby, and I still have all of those other things. But they don't fit together quite as easily as I thought they might. I knew that my life would be different once Z was born, but I wasn't prepared for how dramatically my perspective (and my priorities) would change. At first it was really hard, because I was holding so tightly to that old Me. But once I relaxed and settled into the new Me, I found that I'm pretty happy with it.

So now I'm back at work, and I'm struggling between the old and new Me again. At one level, it's really strange how quickly I can fall back into my old role. But then I'm constantly pulled back into the awareness that I'm not that person anymore. All of a sudden, the urgency and energy of work doesn't feel that real to me anymore. What is real is loving, protecting, and raising my child.

As a woman who at one time could barely see herself having children, I'm now finding it hard to think that there is anything as important as being a mom. But I can also feel the pull of the old Me, the Me who facilitates meetings, presents to execs, challenges consultants. Right now, the old Me is just a wisp of a shadow, lurking around in the background. And I wonder if the shadow will grow or wane as time goes on.

It will be interesting to see how this all turns out.

Working mom

I am now officially a working mom. I survived my first day pretty well, I think. I only cried 4 times, and those were all before 10 AM. (I also cried twice this evening and once last night, but we won't talk about that.) I actually found that I was OK unless someone asked me if I was OK. I'd think, "Yeah" but I'd say, "Waaaaaa!"

I also found out today that we got a spot at the daycare at my work! This would have been AMAZING news four days ago, but today it's kind of bittersweet. Overall, it's the best thing for us because it will mean that Z will be downstairs and I can go visit/nurse/snuggle him whenever I want to. It also gives me a bit more flexibility with my schedule and it sets us up for if/when I go back to work full-time (yes, I cried that much today and I only worked a half day). But it's bittersweet because we love our nanny and we're really sorry to have to let her go. I will recommend her to anyone who is looking for a nanny, because she really is a gem.

Tonight was also the inaugural night of Wine, Dine & Opine (I just made up that name). Jen, Lara, Dawn, Margaret, Missy and I met at Cathy's to eat, drink and discuss immigration reform. We had a really enjoyable evening and I already feel smarter.

I'm having trouble writing tonight. I'm tired and a bit worn out from the stress of the last couple of weeks, so my writing is very fragmented. I can't think of a good closing sentence for this post, so this is going to have to do. Good night!

Who am I kidding?

So I thought that I was handling this whole "going back to work" thing pretty well. I wasn't feeling too anxious about it, but I think that's only because I was so stressed out about finding childcare and getting Z to take a bottle that I didn't have the time or energy to be anxious about anything else. Now that we found our super nanny and she was successful in giving Z a bottle, I have ALL THIS ROOM in my brain to freak out about going to work, leaving Zachary with someone else, maybe even missing a minute or two of his babyhood! I feel like I'm back on the roller coaster of emotions I was riding after Zachary was born (hello, baby blues!). I keep trying to tell myself to "just breathe", but then my mind jumps to "breathe like we do in yoga" and then to "I can't go to mom & baby yoga anymore because I'll be AT WORK!" and then I'm right back where I started. And all of this anxiety is simply over the idea of leaving my baby for a few hours a day...I haven't even begun to ponder the idea of having to be productive at work again.

It's all good now

So everything seems to be working out again! We found a great nanny, and she came over this morning to help me watch Zachary so that she can get an idea of his routine. She was also able to give him a bottle, and he drank the whole thing! I'm so relieved, even though my emotions are still all over the board regarding my return to work on Monday....

Not a good day

Childcare? Nope. Bottle? Nope.

Stressed to the nines? Absolutely.

Good day

We may have found childcare! And after trying 3 different types of bottles with 7 different types of nipples, Zachary actually drank 1-1/2 oz! It's not a lot, but it's a start.

It's been a good day!

The real world

The real world is creeping back in and I must say, I don't like it one bit.

My maternity leave is due to end next week. This is enough to give me a fair amount of stress (I don't get to spend all day with my baby? Someone else is going to be with him??). To add to it, the childcare that I was sort of counting on fell through yesterday. And Zachary is refusing to take a bottle. So now we have a baby without childcare who refuses to eat from a bottle, and I'm supposed to go back to work in a week. Hmph.

I can't help but think that all of these issues would cease to exist if I didn't go back to work.

I'm going to call it "Fido"

My favorite line (so far) in Anne Lamott's "Operating Instructions" (she's talking about her post-baby belly):

"When I lie on my side in bed, my stomach lies politely beside me, like a puppy."

Photo-frenzy and blog-a-rama

I'm still trying to figure out the best way to manage my pictures. I'm posting in three different places right now (see below for descriptions) and it's getting confusing.

It was much easier when I only had one blog and I organized all of my pictures by event. But since Zachary was born, I take a lot more pictures (believe it or not) and the vast majority are event-less, unless you consider things like "drooling" and "sitting in his rocker" to be events. So for Zachary's pictures, I've been organizing the sets by date and posting them to his blog. I post the rest of my event-based or non-Zachary-centric pictures here on this blog.

The problem is when I have pictures of events (such as the baby class reunion) that include pictures of Zachary. Do I post them here or on Zachary's blog? And regardless of where I post them, will people be able to find them if they are scattered across two blogs? And I haven't even factored in the third blog yet.

Hmmmm...gotta think on this one a bit longer.

Here's a run-down of the three blogs, if you're curious:

wenmei

My blog. I started it in 2005, though I did maintain a couple of other sites prior to that (our wedding site in 2005 and my photos from 1999-2004, both of which can be accessed from wenmei). This is my catch-all blog, covering everything from events to pictures to my random thoughts. (By the way, if you click on the links to "wenmei" you won't go anywhere...you're already on that page.)

babyhill

Zachary's blog. This started off as my pregnancy blog, which I spun off from my main blog in order to spare people the details of my transformation into mommy-hood (unless they were interested). It then became my baby blog once Zachary was born. In January, however, Zachary took over the blog so that he could speak for himself. This is where he posts about his activities and where I post his weekly picture sets.

mamarazza

Picture blog. This is my newest blog, and it doesn't contain any text. I wanted a place to post pictures that I like without having to include a description. Right now it only has pictures of Zachary, but it will likely expand to include more. I may use this as the central repository for all of my pictures (and move them off of wenmei and babyhill), but I haven't figured out an elegant way to do that without over-complicating mamarazza.

Oh yeah, speaking of pictures, I've posted a new set to flickr: Misc February pictures

Should I be worried?

Yesterday afternoon, I took Cowboy and Zachary for a walk around the neighborhood after a long day filled with the soothing sounds of a screaming baby. It was my last resort -- I'd tried everything to get Zachary to take a nap (poor guy was exhausted but refused to sleep) so I finally decided that a rainy walk in the Babyhawk was going to have to work. Even if Zachary didn't stop crying, at least Cowboy and I would get some fresh air.

I made it down the street and halfway around the block when I realized that I felt a lot of air on my legs, so I looked down to make sure I was wearing pants. I was -- they were just baggy and made of a really light material so the wind was cutting through them pretty easily.

Should I be concerned about the fact that it took me over a block to check if I was wearing pants? Or should I be more concerned that this is even an issue?