Ponderings

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
~ Mitch Hedberg

Things that I have been pondering lately:

• My mom was right. I have a vague memory of a teen angst experience from high school. There was a school dance, and I was supposed to stay the night with a friend afterwards. At the dance she did something to betray me (this is where my memory gets fuzzy) and I ended up leaving the dance in tears. I ran down to the phone booth by Foodland to call my mom to pick me up. I don't remember many of the details of that night, but I do remember what my mom told me. She said that I "care too much" with my friends. She said that I give too much and that some people will keep taking as long as I keep giving. I didn't understand how someone could care too much -- I thought that caring is good and everyone should care as much as they can. But now I think I finally get it. I finally understand that it's possible to martyr oneself for a friendship. And I'm done with it. I don't have the time or energy to carry someone around, cater to their needs, and sacrifice my own happiness to indulge them. I'm finally letting go. I'm accepting that it's not my responsibility to make sure that everyone is happy, healthy and successful. I love my friends, but I'm making sure that my friendships are based on mutual support, compassion, respect and understanding. It may have taken me 20 years, but I finally learned the lesson.

• My dad was right too. My dad once described a friend of mine as a "black canvas". This analogy has served me well as I ponder. Each of us starts off as an empty canvas, and our lives are filled with people and experiences that add color and richness to our backdrop. Some people have very limited palettes and stay within narrow boundaries. Some people have wild and incoherent disorder, accepting any color that's available and never creating any structure or significance out of the chaos. Some people have a dynamic richness and vibrancy, using balance and consistency to pull the colors together and bring depth and meaning. And then some people have a black canvas, absorbing any colors that are added to it and remaining unchanged. I've recently realized that there is another type of canvas out there: the mirror. This type of canvas doesn't accept color; it merely reflects the colors of the canvases that are nearby. At first, it can be flattering to see this canvas ("Oooh look, it's just like me!") but it becomes apparent how superficial it is, especially since a mirror doesn't have anything to offer for your canvas. You soon realize that a mirror is simply a black canvas with a shiny coating.

I think I need another piece of gum.